I write this blog with a broken heart, my body cramping with grief. My eyes are sore from letting go. I must keep moving through it because that is what Khaliel taught me. ‘Always look deeper, and trust what the universe tells you.’ Khaliel, one of those Horses of Legend, who primed you and took you to places physically, mentally, and spiritually you never knew existed, when you were ready, and when you needed it most. He not only changed my life, but he also had the spirit to share this with many other students as well.

I know all horses offer so much to us humans, but I wanted to share Khaliel’s story and biography because he was everything ‘RIGHT’ in the horse world. In this world of disguised intentions and all the rescue stories of horses, Khaliel’s story is that much more powerful because he was allowed to be a fully empowered being right from the start, surrounded by love and respect from the moment he was born.

Loraine Synder bred and foaled him in 2000. He was the one of the last foals from a terrific combination of old Polish and Crabbet Arabian lines. He even had Khemosabi three generations back, and since I’ve had the opportunity to work with different horses with these bloodlines repeatedly, I can say the level headedness, the heart and ability to work with many humans, is a direct result of Loraine’s careful breeding program.

When he was a started three-year-old, Martha bought him to help her heal from a life changing accident. As she was recovering, he was a source of inspiration and strength for her. When it came time to ride him, she realized maybe getting a like minded trainer involved would be a good idea, because with horses all that life force and emotional empowerment can get a bit risky if you mishandle it!

So, as a young trainer trying to make my way in the world, I met Khaliel. I was at first blown away, knowing Khaliel was one of the nicest, most athletic horses I’ve ever had the opportunity to ride. As we progressed to letting him know that he job was to take care of Martha with kid gloves, and playing with Dressage (my main discipline at this time), we started to develop a rhythm, Martha would have a lovely ride warming him up and educating her seat, and them I would get to ride after and challenge both him and me. I quickly realized that some of what I learned in equestrian college wasn’t going to work here. Khaliel hated jointed snaffles (the golden tradition of dressage), to the point where he ground his teeth the instant the bridle went in. I now know his mouth structure (his biggest conformation flaw was a wave in his lower jaw) fed into this, and he would get claustrophobic when he couldn’t freely swallow. So, we got him a nice ported snaffle, he loved it, and all my dreams of showing him were dashed (yes, I showed at that time believing that was the best way to prove oneself) because this bit would never be accepted by the judges as legal.

He taught me to think beyond my human box and schooling. His discomfort in smaller spaces taught me a huge lesson about perceived safety. We humans feel safe with a roof over our heads, as an instinctive rule. Well, Martha and I were trying to get him to do a transition to a nice canter in the indoor arena, as her barn didn’t have an outdoor ring. We felt safer in a more controlled environment to ask a young strong, powerful horse to canter. Well, he found this uncomfortable and resisted. After thinking about this in between lessons, next time I decided to wildly jump out of the box and listen to him. Next lesson, we rode in his large pasture under the open sky. I was ready for a hot, excited horse, but he was instantly calmer instead. We had the best canters on the choppy ungroomed grass footing with no walls or ceiling.

Over the next ten years or so, Martha, Khaliel and I would meet once a week, and I would do just as much learning as I was teaching. Khaliel kept Martha safe on trail rides, arena dressage, ground driving, and being one of her closest friends. During this time Martha introduced me to Linda Kohanov’s body of work on Equine mental health therapy, and my life and path with horses was changed. I knew I could not stay with the traditional path of showing, training, and teaching that I was taught to follow in college. We 3, 2 humans and 1 horse had many deep discussions, usually with Martha free walking on Khaliel, and he listened to every word, he never grew bored with it. We learned to read what he was adding to the conversation in his body movements and reactions, as we were working out our own congruence and emotional stuff. I realized he was a perfect mirror then, sometimes too perfect, and I learned to not ride him if I was dealing with ‘stuff.’ And those lessons out of the saddle became deeply meaningful too. This all might sound like ‘duh’ to people now, but in the early 2000’s this was not the normal way to train horses and riders!

he preferred the open sky above all else

After this period of time Martha came to board Khaliel at my farm, and then life called her to a different path. She graciously sold Khaliel to me, and he and I took our relationship to a new level. We had all sorts of trail riding adventures, and while Glory was growing up, he was a steady Uncle and influence on him and many other horses that came to the farm. I also taught lessons with him. I quickly learned that he would care for his riders, but if they had unsteady seats or hands, he would protest by giving riders a little too much ‘life.’ I learned to only let people ride him that had passed a very important benchmark of quietness in their Horsemanship learning journey.

So, to every Laurelin Farm student, if you got to ride Khaliel, you ‘passed’ a big goalpost of learning how to be steady and sensitive to a horse’s body, mind, and spirit that I hope you will take to all other horses you ride!

In 2015 or so, I got bitten by the Endurance bug. Khaliel seemed like the perfect horse for it, he never quit and was a pureblood Arabian who spooked less than a handful of times on the trail in his whole career! We turned our trail riding to a new level. Rylan, Lanie, Khaliel and I had many adventures conditioning, and misadventures. We got so lost we had to trot miles down the road to figure out where we were, then turn around and trot miles back. The bushwhacking while trying to find the trails we lost! Khaliel never lost his cool. Even during a thunderstorm that was sending lightning down close enough to smell the ozone! We started our first intro ride late, and as Khaliel saw the 25-mile riders pass us on a loop, he became a hot racehorse! I never forgot watching some riders trot coolly past us, with one lady totally hands free and adjusting her belt as her horse trotted over roots and rocks, while I was afraid to let go of the reins!

As we worked our way through learning the ins and outs of riding Limited Distance rides which are 30 miles or less, I started learning how much Khaliel enjoyed this sport. I joked with friends, ‘He loves this more then I do!’ But I was quite certain he did, by the way he eagerly saddled up, grabbed his bit, hopped on the trailer, and wanted to pass by every rider he met on the trail. During this early phase of our endurance journey, he also taught me to heal. The 2nd time we rode a 30 mile was at The Hector Half Hundred Ride, and due to the difficulties of endurance riding, I ended up riding most of it alone. He took charge immediately, and free of his duties as a trail boss who needed to look out for Lanie and Glory, he leapt to the challenge. I barely stayed on… It was the toughest ride of my life so far. We went so fast I kept missing trail markers and missing turns. My arms were lead from arguing with him to slow down from my own insecurity. I rode to the edge of all my horse knowledge, thinking that I must not lose control. He showed me that to regain control I need to let go and refine while honoring him and his needs, I must learn to surrender and trust him instead. My body was mush, and we finished the ride with me barely hanging on by the seat of my pants. But we finished. I was hooked. I had never felt the depths of a horse’s soul so deeply before as I was swept along those trails, and how weak I was when tried to rein it in and pull back. Leaning into the adventure was the lesson to start the healing.

That winter I made a firm commitment to totally changing my health, which was pretty strung out and worn out, from overwork and old injuries, Khaliel told me so! So, I worked out that winter, sought help, changed my eating habits, and got on track, all the while watching Khaliel out the window, knowing I had to pass his test. And he was watching me back!

His eyes had the ability to look straight into your heart. If I aligned with his ideals, I was golden. If I didn’t, he simply would walk away. As our bond deepened, I would feel almost an electric current pass between us. The next year we went further afield to Canada, to attempt our first pioneer ride, doing 3 25-mile endurance rides in a row over 3 days. It was a grand adventure driving up north, the furthest we’ve ever been into northern lake country. The first two days were awesome, as in AWE Some. We ended up being the only horse in the 25-mile distance, so we rode alone for most of the second half of the rides. Totally alone for hours. In the middle of the deep Canadian forest with no cell service. We trotted by lakes and little ponds, and on a whim, I let go of the reins and cantered with my face lifted to the heavens and arms spread wide. Khaliel was perfectly steady as clouds of dragonflies flew up around us, like a dream, but oh so REAL. I found new abilities on staying mindful and present there, especially on the second day when he shocked me by being even fitter and faster than the first day. I learned even more how to stick to it, hold my presence, and to trust him and let go…

flying with the dragonflies in the great canadian north

That year we also tried our first 50-mile ride in the fall at Hector. It was there that we learned some very hard lessons about endurance riding, particularly about electrolytes, making the differences and dangers between 25-mile rides and 50-mile rides very clear . It was a clear, cool but sunny day, and everything went fabulously, until the second hold. Khaliel was eating grass and grain but was slowing down a little. Being his first 50, I thought, he thought, he was done and ready to stop, as was our usual routine. The vets cleared him, agreeing with me, and I vowed to take it slow on the last loop. As we plodded on and on, he started flagging seriously for the first time since I’ve known him. I started to freak out and got off and walked the last 3 miles to the water tank, watching the sun sink lower and lower. When we got there, Khaliel put his head in the tank and drank deep, and then said, ‘I’m done.’ I called the ride manager, and they came and loaded us onto the trailer, our first pull during a ride. As the vets checked him out at ride camp and questioned me, they realized how dehydrated he had become. They flew into action, tubing him and giving iv fluids all while standing under a flimsy tent without sedation (sedation is dangerous when a horse is overtired and dehydrated). It turns out that my fear of causing ulcers by giving too many electrolytes was our undoing. He got so involved in riding the race, that he forgot to replenish his water. But here’s the rub, he truly hid his symptoms until it was almost too late. He literally almost killed himself for me. After the treatment, he calmly left the tent, peed, and went back to eating like he was fine.

We left that ride recovered and safe, with a new electrolyte recipe in hand. Another clue to his heroic nature came after our next successful attempt at a 50 in New Jersey. He vetted great the whole ride, and we placed in the solid mid pack. A day later, white hairs started springing up on his back, my stirrup bar had been putting pressure on him, and he never once complained. A whole new journey of saddle fitting ensued that winter, again teaching me so much along the way.

he insisted i feed him hay from under the tent at mustang memorial, our first 50 mile completion

The next few years were filled with wonderful adventures in Vermont, Virginia, New York, Ohio, and Michigan. He was sooo patient when I learned to glue hoof boots on him. It was like he knew they were a prerequisite for another wild adventure. We had so many highs and lows. He always completed, only once having a pull from a shoe that wasn’t glued on well (my fault). He carried me through my own emotional storms too. At home, he soothed me when I needed a good cry. He let me cry and rage when I tried to push him too fast up the mountains of Vermont. He forgave me instantly, and I was so humbled by his generous heart we walked most of the last loop and came in 10 minutes before the cutoff time as the sun was going down. I made the bad choice of letting him start at the front of the pack at the NY Adventure ride. He became The Black Stallion of the books of my youth, and I was Alex, holding on to his mane for dear life, wind driving tears from my eyes. We were in 2nd place for 2 hours. Then common sense kicked in and he finally slowed down. He was the first horse I trusted to ride out on trail alone with (I’m extremely cautious about this). We rode in the dark for the first time together, for hours along unfamiliar trail. He told me to just hold on to mane and keep my eyes unfocused and trust his feet. I did. A new level of trust happened even there.

the start of our wild ny adventure ride, where the tears were real…tears of speed, elation, and realization

Four years ago, when Khaliel turned 19, one winter afternoon, I heard a commotion out back of the barn. I went out to find Khaliel limping slightly. Our best guess is that he kicked at another horse and put a hind foot through the gate. I gave him rest and Bute, and as the spring wore on, he fought a bunch of hoof abscesses, which disguised the original injury. After 3 months of rest not taking care of the slight unsoundness, we went to a lameness specialist vet. I was devastated when he said Khaliel’s endurance career was over. A suspensory ligament strain in the hind ankle, with a high chance of repeat injury. In the course of healing this, he also started to compensate and overuse his SI joint. We then started fighting SI joint arthritis.

With this slow down in his life, he had to retire from trail riding, and start a new journey. I had some younger student riders ready to move up in skill, so I decided to try and let the students rehab him to use his body better, since they weigh less than me and would put less stress on his body. He toned down his energy once again to take care of them, and at the same time they learned to care for him. Using Science of Motion Biomechanics techniques, he slowly became sounder and sounder with light use. He also was very happy, with his favorite girl Maya he puttered around and taught her how to regulate her body, mind, and spirit, just like he did for me, although at a slower speed (mostly, he tried to relive his endurance days a few times).

matthew learning to stay peaceful in groundwork

I also learned to deeply listen to his body language, he was quite clear about what he could and couldn’t do, if I paid attention. He had never known anything different in his life. He would snuffle and lip my hands when he was happy. Give these big sighs of contentment, and I would know that all is perfect and right in the world in that moment. He would pin his ears and NOT give his foot up to be picked if he didn’t want to be ridden on that day. And gradually we read each other with softer and softer signals, now that I was on the ground teaching other people in the saddle. He would signal when he thought a student was ready to canter. On the completion of a nice lesson, he would walk in almost happier than the students that led him. He would help other people through emotional upheaval, almost like it was his duty to the herd of horses and humans around him. He would often deliberately seek people out when they were having a bad day. I would send someone out to get Niner or Boomer, and they would come back with Khaliel, saying that he kept coming up to them like he needed them. If they weren’t ready to ride his sensitivity, we would work on the ground, and he gracefully and graciously helped them heal too, while deepening their understanding of just what a horse is capable of offering us humans, how we can tune back into fields of energy, be as sensitive as he was if only for a moment, and how to move back into our feet and bodies with the rhythms of his hooves.

He learned how to let me shoot a bow and arrow off his back in 15 minutes. He became a terrific mounted archery horse, teaching many riders that thrill. He said, ‘Yes, this is my history, I am a warhorse, I will carry you along through the good and through the bad.’

our first mounted archery clinic, bows and arrows, no problem!

These are just the stories that are coming to mind right now. There were uncountable moments in our relationship, of tender checking in, a soft muzzle asking how I’m doing, the times when he napped and let me join him in the sun, the bright electric looks and unfathomable depths of knowing in his eyes, the incredible peace that he projected, especially this last year as he aged so gracefully.

Some of this is actually beyond my human capacity for words. I think the people he touched along the way would agree. That piercing look he could give you, that proud profile and knowing, empowered eye. Yet so peaceful, and true to himself, these last years he wasn’t just a mirror into the soul, he was a magnifying lens into the higher spiritual realm that we are all apart off, no matter your belief system. He was everything that a horse could be for his humans and more. A true Arabian that would carry his bonded humans until death, who would follow me anywhere, would live in my home if I let him, like the Bedouin of old used to keep their best horses in their tents with them during the sandstorms.

He led an almost perfect life for a horse, and the gifts he gave in return are uncountable. He gave me his whole heart, and I gave him a huge part of mine. I am here in this raw state of grief, after having to make the choice to let him go (although he truly made it, for it was the first time I ever saw him give up and lay there, no brightness left). I feel the loss more keenly because he was my rock, the one I turned to when my life got turned upside down. He held me up because he could, and now I must walk with grace without him, even in grief.

And I can. He taught me how. Even through the tears, I can type these words.

I hope you enjoyed his story and can get a sense of his power. He would have wanted everyone to know just what a horse can give you, if you have the courage to see, to do, and BE.

Addendum:

Here are some words from the humans he touched:

Robin ‘I will forever cherish the rides I had with him, I loved when his ‘race brain’ kicked in. He helped me so much to heal my heart after I had to let my boys go.’

Ashley ‘I’ll always remember the crazy ride he took me on!’

Emily ‘I remember the first ride I ever had with Khaliel was like nothing I had ever experienced. All we did was walk and trot, and yet I was completely blown away by his power, grace, and intelligence. I’d never before ridden a horse that was so ‘AWAKE.’

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Khaliel’s Life Story: A Biography of A Legend (warning get tissues and take some time, it's a long one!)

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